The Beginning - 2

Chapter Two

The Beginning

I became the leader I am today not overnight but through a period of two years and intense training at XYZ. I remember the precise moment, looking at the Fearless Training portal, thinking why I should be going through these games and earn points.

That was not a long time ago but I have learned that certain learnings and memories feel far more distant than when they actually occurred. Looking back now, I realize how I have been craving for a road ahead to put all those learnings into action.

One day,  a few days after I had started at XYZ, my boss approached me. His name was Bob. An American guy with a huge body, a big belly , and as I later discovered a heart bigger than his belly. Standing in the tiny, very unfortunate looking kitchen, I was waiting for my turn to get some coffee. In my line of work, there are not that many females so the chances of having one of those chit chat type of waits is slim to none.

Standing with the cup in my hand, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that Bob is at the kitchen the same time that I am. It was him wanting to talk to me out of my normal office environment that has brought him to the kitchen. His sharp eyes penetrated into mine: “ How is it going?

That’s how he always started his conversations and I liked that about him. He never approached anyone just for commanding or asking for something. It felt like he always cared for how I was doing. We skipped the chit chat part rather quickly. I had a hunch that he had something more important to tell me. And indeed he had. We talked for 5 minutes or rather he talked and I listened. After he left, I did not want that cup of coffee any more. I left the cup and decided to take a break from the building.

I went for a walk along the parking lot. Rows and rows of parked cars of people coming to work for Corporate America every single day including me. It was a huge parking lot surrounded by trees. They were tall trees. Their shade and the dance of wind amongst their leaves were perhaps the most fascinating aspect of that parking lot. Except for two huge trash cans there was no other attraction.

The early afternoon sun sparkled on the front glasses of the parked cars. I felt a crisp breeze is messing up with my hair even though my hair was in a pony tail.

Then I glanced up and saw the logo of Directv on top of the building, blue and white soaring in the sky. It was placed on the top of the building much higher than the trees, over all the parked cars , overlooking all the mini humans working for that brand. And suddenly Bob’s voice whispered in my head: Don’t let fear get into your head. We train you to be that fearless. Bob, that fearless man that pushed me to see the world differently.

I sat on the short cement wall under the willow trees. I thought about why I was at XYZ  and what Bob had told me. Know what you want and go for it. There is always risk. It’s important for you to learn how to take risks.

I looked up at the XYZ logo again, at the willow tree leaves dancing with the breeze and thought of my corporate journey. Thought about me. Thought about how I was chosen to be a fearless leader.

Darkness Falls - 1

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Chapter One

Darkness Falls

You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

These are the words on a post it note on my monitor. My hand stretches and touches the words. As if by the mere act of touching those words, I will be given strength. As if just touching those words can change this moment. As if touching those words can prevent me from collapsing on the floor and that is what is happening…

Just now

Right now…

I fell on my knees…

My head bangs against the glass desk

Did it bang?

I don’t feel it…

Yet, it makes me fall backwards on the floor. I check myself for breathing. Slowly I raise my right hand and put it on the left side of my upper chest. Right on top of my left breast. I am breathing. My chest is heaving and I have pain but I am alive. I can feel it going up and down.

I close my eyes and try harder to fight the pain to breathe.

Think about breathing. It should not be that hard. You push the air out and you suck the air in. For some reason, this simple act, feels so hard right now.

The chest is painful. That pain is back. This horrible, nagging slow pain that has been crawling up my body, my brain is back and it is stronger than ever..

I roll and try to concentrate on what to do. Obviously my brain is not exactly in the functioning mode. My tears are rolling all over. They are salty and actually I am enjoying their taste. Salty, it makes me remember our vacation, Caribbean, the breeze, the beauty, all the fun we had right before this pain began…

Right before, Billy the bully decided to clutch his nasty fingers tighter on my throat.

Time is of essence, I am not sure how long I can survive without breathing and breathing is hard. And in case you are wondering I am alone. I am alone at home. The phone is on the table and I am spread out on the floor like butter spread on a piece of toast. I wish I was as flexible as butter. I wish I could change that fast and go on any surface or even melt and not to have the face Billy the Bully and the whole situation again.

Ah, this is my mind wondering back to what has happened. I need you to listen to me, my mind. I am absolutely breathless and need some water or something to help me survive. How do we get help?

Unfortunately I don’t hear much of a response.

I can hear my voice echoing in my brain repeating the question over and over again and I hear no response.

The eyes close. Still, I feel the salty tears and that assures me that I am still alive. Yet, can I open my eyes again and see my little boy’s eyes? His big, brown eyes filled with curiosity and a lot other things including confusion in the morning. He looks at me and asks: “Mummy, why sad eyes again”? His innocent question kills me. I mean it kills me to see how I have become unable to hide my anger, sadness, and frustration. How my little boy is feeling and seeing the depth of sadness in my eyes despite all my laughs and tries to hide what I am going through…

The life of a working female in corporate America world or the lack there of, however you want to interpret it. In a male dominated world where the beer drinkers and those playing Golf rule. Where if you don’t understand American Football, you will be a foreigner for life no matter how and when you were naturalized. Where you always face the question: What is your origin?

I remember his eyes and try to open my eyes. I need to survive, I need to live, I want to see his eyes again and this pain cannot stop me. The darkness is too deep and too strong for my senses. I cannot fight yet. Am I losing the battle?

I hear something and I hear my name being called. May be a miracle happened…

Chapter One

Darkness Falls

You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

These are the words on a post it note on my monitor. My hand stretches and touches the words. As if by the mere act of touching those words, I will be given strength. As if just touching those words can change this moment. As if touching those words can prevent me from collapsing on the floor and that is what is happening…

Just now

Right now…

I fell on my knees…

My head bangs against the glass desk

Did it bang?

I don’t feel it…

Yet, it makes me fall backwards on the floor. I check myself for breathing. Slowly I raise my right hand and put it on the left side of my upper chest. Right on top of my left breast. I am breathing. My chest is heaving and I have pain but I am alive. I can feel it going up and down.

I close my eyes and try harder to fight the pain to breathe.

Think about breathing. It should not be that hard. You push the air out and you suck the air in. For some reason, this simple act, feels so hard right now.

The chest is painful. That pain is back. This horrible, nagging slow pain that has been crawling up my body, my brain is back and it is stronger than ever..

I roll and try to concentrate on what to do. Obviously my brain is not exactly in the functioning mode. My tears are rolling all over. They are salty and actually I am enjoying their taste. Salty, it makes me remember our vacation, Carribean, the breeze, the beauty, all the fun we had right before this pain began…

Right before, Billy the bully decided to clutch his nasty fingers tighter on my throat.

Time is of essence, I am not sure how long I can survive without breathing and breathing is hard. And in case you are wondering I am alone. I am alone at home. The phone is on the table and I am spread out on the floor like butter spread on a piece of toast. I wish I was as flexible as butter. I wish I could change that fast and go on any surface or even melt and not to have the face Billy the Bully and the whole situation again.

Ah, this is my mind wondering back to what has happened. I need you to listen to me, my mind. I am absolutely breathless and need some water or something to help me survive. How do we get help?

Unfortunately I don’t hear much of a response.

I can hear my voice echoing in my brain repeating the question over and over again and I hear no response.

The eyes close. Still, I feel the salty tears and that assures me that I am still alive. Yet, can I open my eyes again and see my little boy’s eyes? His big, brown eyes filled with curiosity and a lot other things including confusion in the morning. He looks at me and asks: “Mummy, why sad eyes again”? His innocent question kills me. I mean it kills me to see how I have become unable to hide my anger, sadness, and frustration. How my little boy is feeling and seeing the depth of sadness in my eyes despite all my laughs and tries to hide what I am going through…

The life of a working female in corporate America world or the lack there of, however you want to interpret it. In a male dominated world where the beer drinkers and those playing Golf rule. Where if you don’t understand American Football, you will be a foreigner for life no matter how and when you were naturalized. Where you always face the question: What is your origin?

I remember his eyes, his big innocent eyes with that ray of scare and surprise in them. It gives me strength to try to open my eyes. I need to survive, I need to live, I want to see his eyes again and this pain cannot stop me. The darkness is too deep and too strong for my senses. I cannot fight yet. Am I losing the battle?

I hear something and I hear my name being called. May be a miracle happened…

Rescue...

Bullies... They are out there..

I am introducing a new series that I am working on. It is based on true events to a great degree. Not only I am hoping that this will help me to deal with some of the feelings and emotions, I am hoping it can help some other folks out there. At any moment in time there are people out there dealing with bullies and insecure people with big egoes.

Bullies are not just in schools. No, that is something I learned. Those bullies in school, they grow up, they graduate, they happen to become nerds, and some of those nerds become bullies at work. Those big, tall males that yell at female colleagues at work.

It happens in real world.

The world allows bullies to exist and flourish.More specifically work place at times does not stop them. At one point, I used to work for a company that as usual had a very handful of women in its technology sector. The meetings were like a football game. It was a show off of a kind of who can prove himself more and do the touch down by yelling harder. A colleague of mine when leaving, she told me: "Don't let this football club boys get into your head."

I did not but you know what ? It was hard. It was unbearable at times. At lunch times, I used to walk for half an hour to talk and vent out and then hurriedly gubble something behind computer. I found that talking and vetting so important to my survival at that place that food had become secondary.

I digress. Let the real story begin.

Mama's Day

It is a beautiful day

Mamas are being cherished

Flowers, breakfast in bed, spa appointments, hand written notes

Little kids, kind dads.. they all find a way to express their love to that mama in their lives

On this beautiful day

Let's take a moment and think about mamas whose kids can not be with them

Distance, work, profession, forgetfulness

All the realities of this life

Let's see if we can bring a smile to the face of one of these woman

Specially if they are older If they are in assisted living If they are in nursing home being consoled by people who don't even speak their language

But have a heart of gold to be in the profession of caring for people 

Her hands are trembling as she reaches to get that cupcake from Ava

She can not balance between getting that cupcake and using the walker she's using to walk

I am confused how to help without hurting her feelings

She keeps repeating: Khoda ro jaa nandazadet

I dont know what it means but am sure she has good wishes for us

She calls the male nurse: Albert khan

Checking his name tag, his name is not Albert

Happily laughs to my face: Her son's name is Albert.. They did not come to see her today so I told her to call me Albert today

Something strikes me deep and hard

I am thankful to God, to universe for giving me the opportunity of having these munchkins

I try to be there when they need me

 My joy is sharing their lives with me

What happens if all this vanish when I am sick and week and unable to walk?

When the lure of having a second cupcake from a strange visitor brightens my eyes so vividly?

For my grandma who is unable to walk, I know this will not be the case

She lives in a land where we had to leave it for greener pastures

But still love rules strong and shining

And somehow with a bad economy and high unemployment, people live and you can hear their laughters

But I live in a land for now that money earning can dicatate how to live my life every day

And that on its own is a very different equation to digest

Every day..Every single day..

Let's not miss opportunities to bring smiles..

On a day we are smiling...

Marsieh dar sarzmin e eskenasi e sabz rang


Ghamginam...
Ghamgin va tanha...
Va hes mikonam ke einghad ghamgini modathast ke dar sineh am naneshaste boode....
Raftam, ghadam bezanam..
Balkeh gamhaiam az sangini baar e ghamam bardarand...
Va sad albateh ke az cheshman e nagaran e bachehakam begrizam...
Aaan ham hangami ke ashkhaiam sarziar mishavand
Va cheshmanam ghermez va baad kardeh.


Tanha chizi ke be nazaram resid ein bood ke engar doost dashtan ro gom kardam..
Doost dashtan e asheghaneh roo
Doost dashtan e baray e ba ham boodan ro
Engar dar aarze zaman ye jaaye jaa moondeh va dideh ba man naioomadeh einvar e ab..
Be sarzamin e eskenas hai e sabz rang..
Sarzamini ke rang sabz e dollar bolandtarin harf ro mizaneh
Sarzamini ke hame esknesash ye rangeh: sabz e sabz

Ooon moghehi ke doost dashtan ro balad boodam
Az dollar chizi nemidoonestam
Agar midoonestam, baram bei rang ya shayad ham kam rang bood va bas

Zaman gozasht...
Sabzhai e lajani por rangtar shodan
Engar man ro ba khodeshoon ghoort dadan...
Rooham, jesmam, eshgham ro

Vali khob avazesh be man chizai e digeh didan
Ghest e khooneh
Vam e mashin
Credit card e etebari e por az gharz


Va hala ke mashin e chaap eskenas e man khamoosheh
Hadaghal baray e alan
Digeh man morgh e tokhm tala nistam
Digeh basanam nemidarkhsheh
Chon digeh toosh tokhm tala nist
Hamoon koon e gohi e ke hast va bas

Va hala rooy e vaghei ein zendegi ro mibinam
Va rooy e vaghei toee ke ba man zendegi mikoni ro
Va ein ke tu ham eshgh ro faramoosh kardi...
Va hamoon eskenasa e sabzi ke maskhare mikoni man ro barashoon
Hamoon ha hastan ke ein bala ro be saret oovordan

Man too ein baazi tanha nistam
It takes two to tango...

va vaghti eshgh nist
va sahrik e zendigit joz daad va ghaal balad nist
va azar e to barash einghad rahateh
va behet migeh too maghzet peheneh
va bache at azat mipoirseh ke pehen chie
va behet migeh mostahagh e daad va ghal e mani
va rast rast migeh boro job peida kon baad beia harf bezan...

OOn vaghtehe ke mibini bayad jish kard be ein zendegi
Ba hame sabzash az paeen ta bala
Vali badbakhti e eine ke tanha nisti
Va zendegi e hamegi lang e sabzast az bala ta paeen

Kash fearless boodam
Kash einghad nemitarsidam
Kash einghad sabza bozorg naboodan baram
Be andaze tool e zendegi

Akh ke cheghad ghamginam
Va cheghad tanha
Va cheghad midoonam age ye shab nakham beiam khoone
Jay e digeh joz mehmansara nadaram too ein shahr..
Shahri ke na vabaste ee na kheishi
Va hata age ham bashan bahatan dar khoshi va shadi
Na dar dard va sakhti
Na dar vaghti ke sabzat farari hastan na oomadani..

Akh ke ajaba moadeleee daram baray e hal
Az har chi jabr e 4 dabirestan bood badtareh
Khanoom geregorain kojaee yadet be kheir
Ke ein shagerdet dar dars zendegi aan chenan service shod ke jabr va emtehan e to dar nazaresh hich shod

Ay zendegi begam hanooz too yeki ro doost daram?
fekr konam areh...
akhe hanoozam joon doostam...
Hanoozam fekr mikonam ein shikam egondeh am ke 2 sal e hamintoor gondeh tar misheh gharare ye roozi too ye gharn e digeh 2 sant ham ke shode az doresh koochik she va man ro shaad kone

Akhe misheh?

Ajab adam asire
Asire khariat e royahash
Asire illusioni e ke az baghieh misazeh baray e khodesh
ey vay az mast ke bar mast...
Har kei gofteh khob gofteh damesh garm

bozorgtarin darsi ke bayad yaad e bache ham bedam too ein sarzamin e sabz rangai e lajani eine ke khodkhah bashin va bas
be khoda az khoobi va mehrabooni va delam sookht kesi be jayee nemirese
mage hamin jahanami ke man alan toosh asiram
va ein ehsas e gandi ke gerefte mara: akhar konam che ghalati ba ein zendegi e roo hava?!

Forced Silence

It is almost 24 hours that I have not spoken...
24 hours that my mouth has been shout...
It is not that I don't want to talk....
As they say in French, au contraire, I am dying to talk..
To hear my own voice..
To sense how my brain puts the words together and articulates my thoughts..
Ah, it feels so amazing to talk...
But it's juts I have no one to talk to...
No single soul around left to send out those vibes of feelings in form of voice patterns to them..
Ah, how I miss talking...
And the sweet sensation of being heard..
Swallowing my mouth water down, nervously I move my tongue...
I want to reassure myself that I still have that pink piece of meat in my mouth
Even though I haven't used it for such a long while.....
And sadly , I don't even know when I will use it again..
Just the thought of it, the thought of this unbreakable silence saddens me..
Tears run to my eyes
And roll down my cheeks or what is left there of in the name of cheeks
And reach my mouth..
Greedily, my lips move, the cave opens and my tongue licks the tears..
I can feel how my tongue is happy to be used...
Of course, for a purpose other than eating..
It devours the tears...
And to keep my little tongue happy
I send out more and more tears...
Tears, tears and soon I realize I am sobbing
My chest is heaving up and down with every gush of tears...
The silence is broken for sure...
With all these little unheard screams within each of my tears..
But still my tongue is missing talking...
Vocals, verbalizing my thoughts...
As I am waiting in silence for a single soul to hear me out...

Worm

I have a worm in my body...
No.. it doesn't live in my large intestine
It's a little green worm that travels throughout my body..
Wherever it decides to land, it starts hurting...
Why does the little green worm live in me?
Have no idea...
May be I love Physical Therapy in my subconscious  so much that  it makes the little worm move up and down in my body, making some business for PT offices?

Anyone wants to adopt a little green worm?

I can give it up wholeheartedly and get a break from all this PT business!

Influence

What does it mean to be an influencer?

6.2% of people create 80% of influence.

It's about expertise and trust not popularity.

influence: the ability to drive to take action

People who can drive action for business... how do u find those people and what do u tell them!?

Social actions:
Clicks
Chat
...
The Klout Score...Marketing is interested in early adopters and who can propel a strong population. People who can create content and become your advocates.

But the question is how to find that few people who can be the great fit for the company?
Reach out with an ad... influencers know how to find difference between ads

Eg used for Launch of Audi where they could test drive the car and giving them a chance to talk to others about the car... bloggers took picture of the car and gave each other a turn.

How to find your influencers?
U have 2 find someone that can benefit from that information and u should recognize his contribution
Klout Squad emblem
It is about showing them that u recognize their contribution.

How to raise your Klout score?
It is about how much people react to you when you talk online.It is about engagement!
You should have a view of how to engage...

Desensitized?!

OK... I think I have understood by now in my life that you can't change anyone in this world. That's from a logic pov though. From an emotional and feeling wise, I guess I will never really understand it or to say it in more exact terms I will never stop being hurt.

What is it in daily life that makes us become desensitized to each other sensitivities? Is it the miracle of sleeping in the same bed and opening your eyes to see the same person beside you? Is it the simplicity of expecting certain feelings are always there for you? For example feeling that you are loved no matter what you do, and how much effort you put, so let's just take it easy and not put that much burden on myself!

It is the challenge of living together. I think that's why living prior to getting married is not a good idea. You simply get used to the person and take that person for  granted. What attracts us to each other at the beginning is the similarities then it becomes how each one tries to make the other one happy and then simply when you have the person beside you, you forget how hard you tried to have that person... It's then that you forget how simply taking her picture makes her happy... how she is sensitive about certain subjects which are so naively stupid sometimes but hurts her...

May be I am the same way... I know I have forgotten how I was.. I know that life is eating away my soul, piece by piece... actually  it is not life that is eating it but it is the burden of earning means for a living while maintaining my sanity between stress and the love for the wide eyed kid who poses me questions with her eye?

I guess I will find out one day but hopefully not too late...

Meanwhile I miss ... I miss the feeling of ... ok.. let's leave it...

" Madar e Bache ha"

یه روز و روزگاری که من هنوز فسیل  ما قبل  تاریخ نشده بودم و کتاب می‌خوندم و خلاصه هنوز آدم بودم یادم میاد که توی کتابهای فارسی‌ یه اصطلاحی بود که مردای حاج آقا مآب استفاده میکردن. اون هم عین بود که به زنشون که در بازی موارد هم زن  اولشون بود میگفتن: "مادر بچه ها"! من همیشه خیلی‌ از این قضیه بدم می‌اومد و هی‌ فکر می‌کردم که عین یه جوری کم کردن ارزش زنشه که توی برای  من مهم نیستی‌ ولی‌ این که مادر این توله‌های نازنین هستی‌، مهمت می‌کنه و من باید بدارمت! 

حالا خودم دارم میبینم که نه بابا فقط حاج آقاها نیستن که اینقد گلن... بابا پیشرفته تراشون هم همینند ! واقعا از وقتی‌ آوا اومده ، من فکر می‌کنم که این اتفاقیه که افتاده که من در مقام مادری ، فقط دارم ظاهر میشم و بس! یکی‌ نیست بگه من قبل از هر چیز زن بودم و هستم... با عواطف و احساسات خودم... مثل این که جنابعالی عاشق من شدین که بعدا این فینگیلک ظهور کرد.. جرأت داری بگو... و جرأت داری انتظار داشته باش که به جز ۲ روز و نه بیشتر چیزی عوض شه! 

من به یه نتیجه رسیدم که عوض هم نمیکنمش.. اگه میخواین زن  خوشبخت و جوان و راحتی‌ باشین... دنبال درس و مرس نرین... مغز هم نداشته باشین بهتره... ایرونی‌ جماههتش که عاشق اینه که یه احمق

گیر بیاره که هر کاری بکنه ، فکر کنه ...این مرد نابغه است و من احمق ..چه جور به عقلم نرسید... حتا اگه واقعا هم اینطور فکر نمی‌کنین...اگه اینطور رفتار کنین، خوشبخت میشین ... پول خیلی‌ مهمه... هر کی‌ میگه نیست، تو این دنیا زندگی‌ نمی‌کنه یا درویشه... اگه قراره آدم ، آخر کار با این هم سود و عقل و فهم ، از صبح تا شب جون بکنه، مادر خوبی‌ هم باش، خودش هم زندگی‌ نداشته باشه که شب بیاد بغل دست آقای " مادر بچه ها" باشه، بهتره که حد اقل ، یه "آقای "مادر بچه ها" پدیا کنه که وزنش از طلا باشه و دستش به دهانش برسه که کلفاتش براش قورمه سبزیش رو بپزن!

ASSHOLE

You know the term: " Asshole"?

I am sure you say: Yes, of course...

And probably more curiously you'll ask me: Why? Why are you asking?

And here is my answer:

I thought I knew the answer as defined by dictionary until I met a real one. A real , especially branded : ASSHOLE.

Then I learned, probably I knew nothing about ASSHOLES and how you can be such an ASSHOLE!

It all goes back to where I work( no names mentioned as I am not seeking any trouble or any damages to any one's reputation but if readers who happen to be familiar with this place or this person, can figure out who I am talking about, I am not responsible for their wit!) which I believe has a good number of them( ASSHOLES, I mean! ). Actually, they should have it written in employment application somewhere that I happened to miss it or someone by mistake tick marked it for me! That one and also the most essential role of socializing in this environment: Smoking! You are either a player which means Smoker or not... And most important decisions are made when people chat unsolicited to the Higher Management in their smoke breaks. Amazing, ha?

Anyway, let me not diverge and go back to the sweet subject of how I have had the pleasure of working with an ASSHOLE.

Here is an ASSHOLE career path:

They are loud. They talk a lot and quickly without thinking through. They hold the rest of the world liable but themselves and if things did not turn as expected, of course the whole universe including all heavenly angels, CFO, CEO, CTO, CPU and whatever Cxx that you can think of it is CCd in their e-mails. This is just their beginning to ensure that their entry position is secured and that they make enough noise to get attention and to get promoted.

These people have ideas but ideas that are not well thought of are not certainly to the best interest of company and no one else in their team and here is when ASSHOLENESS comes handy. They advertise the idea, push for it, make another group like IT accountable for it and then ride! They become responsible and left and right they try to find things that are UNACCEPTABLE without thinking even for an eye blink: What is it that I or this project is trying to achieve?

Here is what goes on in their mind:
Well, there is money, there is bunch of people working, no one knows what is it that they really want but that is not important as long as I can define a moving Target and when they don't hit the target I tell them you did not deliver!

Brilliant!

This is called ASSHOLE methodology... It is a special philosophy that requires certain talents as not everyone can be as bold as to change things every two days and never assume himself responsible for... Plus the whole bulk of work that you do is never appreciated but a ting bit of mistake goes under magnifier to be reported to VP ... after all that tiny bit of 0.000095% is why we are not successful and can not go live with application... Even when it is not true, ASSHOLE has capabilities to convince that I am the customer and IT is my servant so you better be ahead of me... If I don't know what I want, IT needs to still deliver that.. Since I happen to not know what I want, I can be changing it so often that no one knows what the reality is... And still my ASSHOLE butt is saved!

I don't know how much of it made sense to you... I'm sure that there are other people dealing with ASSHOLES in their work and life... It's just that I am living in the village of ASSHOLES and needed to share my experience!