Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What the hell am I doing?

As I sit here in my office and stare at the falling rain outside window, I am flooded with ideas. Idea of living a life that I don't. Idea of waking up and deciding for a day what to do instead of a predestined, pre programmed life. And no I am not talking about not working as in my life work is essentail. Work means dinero! Means getting to keep the ball rolling, means taking Ava to Disneyland, means taking her to vacation, means me deciding what shoes to buy. In all its banality, that is life. Those simple decisions and choices in life mean a lot if you can not go with your heart desire.
Falling rain, how I wish and only wish that I could sit in front of fire and stare at you falling on earth for fifteen minutes without blinking, without interruption. Yes, I can do it right now from my office but my mind tells me: Robot, go back to work and think about the pile of things that you need to think about. They pay you to think about them, their problems and finiding solution not thinking about rain!

Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Just to make sure I still have the human flesh and bone while my mind has been transformed into nothing but a well programmed robot.

I miss myself.