The Beginning - 2

Chapter Two

The Beginning

I became the leader I am today not overnight but through a period of two years and intense training at XYZ. I remember the precise moment, looking at the Fearless Training portal, thinking why I should be going through these games and earn points.

That was not a long time ago but I have learned that certain learnings and memories feel far more distant than when they actually occurred. Looking back now, I realize how I have been craving for a road ahead to put all those learnings into action.

One day,  a few days after I had started at XYZ, my boss approached me. His name was Bob. An American guy with a huge body, a big belly , and as I later discovered a heart bigger than his belly. Standing in the tiny, very unfortunate looking kitchen, I was waiting for my turn to get some coffee. In my line of work, there are not that many females so the chances of having one of those chit chat type of waits is slim to none.

Standing with the cup in my hand, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that Bob is at the kitchen the same time that I am. It was him wanting to talk to me out of my normal office environment that has brought him to the kitchen. His sharp eyes penetrated into mine: “ How is it going?

That’s how he always started his conversations and I liked that about him. He never approached anyone just for commanding or asking for something. It felt like he always cared for how I was doing. We skipped the chit chat part rather quickly. I had a hunch that he had something more important to tell me. And indeed he had. We talked for 5 minutes or rather he talked and I listened. After he left, I did not want that cup of coffee any more. I left the cup and decided to take a break from the building.

I went for a walk along the parking lot. Rows and rows of parked cars of people coming to work for Corporate America every single day including me. It was a huge parking lot surrounded by trees. They were tall trees. Their shade and the dance of wind amongst their leaves were perhaps the most fascinating aspect of that parking lot. Except for two huge trash cans there was no other attraction.

The early afternoon sun sparkled on the front glasses of the parked cars. I felt a crisp breeze is messing up with my hair even though my hair was in a pony tail.

Then I glanced up and saw the logo of Directv on top of the building, blue and white soaring in the sky. It was placed on the top of the building much higher than the trees, over all the parked cars , overlooking all the mini humans working for that brand. And suddenly Bob’s voice whispered in my head: Don’t let fear get into your head. We train you to be that fearless. Bob, that fearless man that pushed me to see the world differently.

I sat on the short cement wall under the willow trees. I thought about why I was at XYZ  and what Bob had told me. Know what you want and go for it. There is always risk. It’s important for you to learn how to take risks.

I looked up at the XYZ logo again, at the willow tree leaves dancing with the breeze and thought of my corporate journey. Thought about me. Thought about how I was chosen to be a fearless leader.

Darkness Falls - 1

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Chapter One

Darkness Falls

You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

These are the words on a post it note on my monitor. My hand stretches and touches the words. As if by the mere act of touching those words, I will be given strength. As if just touching those words can change this moment. As if touching those words can prevent me from collapsing on the floor and that is what is happening…

Just now

Right now…

I fell on my knees…

My head bangs against the glass desk

Did it bang?

I don’t feel it…

Yet, it makes me fall backwards on the floor. I check myself for breathing. Slowly I raise my right hand and put it on the left side of my upper chest. Right on top of my left breast. I am breathing. My chest is heaving and I have pain but I am alive. I can feel it going up and down.

I close my eyes and try harder to fight the pain to breathe.

Think about breathing. It should not be that hard. You push the air out and you suck the air in. For some reason, this simple act, feels so hard right now.

The chest is painful. That pain is back. This horrible, nagging slow pain that has been crawling up my body, my brain is back and it is stronger than ever..

I roll and try to concentrate on what to do. Obviously my brain is not exactly in the functioning mode. My tears are rolling all over. They are salty and actually I am enjoying their taste. Salty, it makes me remember our vacation, Caribbean, the breeze, the beauty, all the fun we had right before this pain began…

Right before, Billy the bully decided to clutch his nasty fingers tighter on my throat.

Time is of essence, I am not sure how long I can survive without breathing and breathing is hard. And in case you are wondering I am alone. I am alone at home. The phone is on the table and I am spread out on the floor like butter spread on a piece of toast. I wish I was as flexible as butter. I wish I could change that fast and go on any surface or even melt and not to have the face Billy the Bully and the whole situation again.

Ah, this is my mind wondering back to what has happened. I need you to listen to me, my mind. I am absolutely breathless and need some water or something to help me survive. How do we get help?

Unfortunately I don’t hear much of a response.

I can hear my voice echoing in my brain repeating the question over and over again and I hear no response.

The eyes close. Still, I feel the salty tears and that assures me that I am still alive. Yet, can I open my eyes again and see my little boy’s eyes? His big, brown eyes filled with curiosity and a lot other things including confusion in the morning. He looks at me and asks: “Mummy, why sad eyes again”? His innocent question kills me. I mean it kills me to see how I have become unable to hide my anger, sadness, and frustration. How my little boy is feeling and seeing the depth of sadness in my eyes despite all my laughs and tries to hide what I am going through…

The life of a working female in corporate America world or the lack there of, however you want to interpret it. In a male dominated world where the beer drinkers and those playing Golf rule. Where if you don’t understand American Football, you will be a foreigner for life no matter how and when you were naturalized. Where you always face the question: What is your origin?

I remember his eyes and try to open my eyes. I need to survive, I need to live, I want to see his eyes again and this pain cannot stop me. The darkness is too deep and too strong for my senses. I cannot fight yet. Am I losing the battle?

I hear something and I hear my name being called. May be a miracle happened…

Chapter One

Darkness Falls

You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

These are the words on a post it note on my monitor. My hand stretches and touches the words. As if by the mere act of touching those words, I will be given strength. As if just touching those words can change this moment. As if touching those words can prevent me from collapsing on the floor and that is what is happening…

Just now

Right now…

I fell on my knees…

My head bangs against the glass desk

Did it bang?

I don’t feel it…

Yet, it makes me fall backwards on the floor. I check myself for breathing. Slowly I raise my right hand and put it on the left side of my upper chest. Right on top of my left breast. I am breathing. My chest is heaving and I have pain but I am alive. I can feel it going up and down.

I close my eyes and try harder to fight the pain to breathe.

Think about breathing. It should not be that hard. You push the air out and you suck the air in. For some reason, this simple act, feels so hard right now.

The chest is painful. That pain is back. This horrible, nagging slow pain that has been crawling up my body, my brain is back and it is stronger than ever..

I roll and try to concentrate on what to do. Obviously my brain is not exactly in the functioning mode. My tears are rolling all over. They are salty and actually I am enjoying their taste. Salty, it makes me remember our vacation, Carribean, the breeze, the beauty, all the fun we had right before this pain began…

Right before, Billy the bully decided to clutch his nasty fingers tighter on my throat.

Time is of essence, I am not sure how long I can survive without breathing and breathing is hard. And in case you are wondering I am alone. I am alone at home. The phone is on the table and I am spread out on the floor like butter spread on a piece of toast. I wish I was as flexible as butter. I wish I could change that fast and go on any surface or even melt and not to have the face Billy the Bully and the whole situation again.

Ah, this is my mind wondering back to what has happened. I need you to listen to me, my mind. I am absolutely breathless and need some water or something to help me survive. How do we get help?

Unfortunately I don’t hear much of a response.

I can hear my voice echoing in my brain repeating the question over and over again and I hear no response.

The eyes close. Still, I feel the salty tears and that assures me that I am still alive. Yet, can I open my eyes again and see my little boy’s eyes? His big, brown eyes filled with curiosity and a lot other things including confusion in the morning. He looks at me and asks: “Mummy, why sad eyes again”? His innocent question kills me. I mean it kills me to see how I have become unable to hide my anger, sadness, and frustration. How my little boy is feeling and seeing the depth of sadness in my eyes despite all my laughs and tries to hide what I am going through…

The life of a working female in corporate America world or the lack there of, however you want to interpret it. In a male dominated world where the beer drinkers and those playing Golf rule. Where if you don’t understand American Football, you will be a foreigner for life no matter how and when you were naturalized. Where you always face the question: What is your origin?

I remember his eyes, his big innocent eyes with that ray of scare and surprise in them. It gives me strength to try to open my eyes. I need to survive, I need to live, I want to see his eyes again and this pain cannot stop me. The darkness is too deep and too strong for my senses. I cannot fight yet. Am I losing the battle?

I hear something and I hear my name being called. May be a miracle happened…

Rescue...

Bullies... They are out there..

I am introducing a new series that I am working on. It is based on true events to a great degree. Not only I am hoping that this will help me to deal with some of the feelings and emotions, I am hoping it can help some other folks out there. At any moment in time there are people out there dealing with bullies and insecure people with big egoes.

Bullies are not just in schools. No, that is something I learned. Those bullies in school, they grow up, they graduate, they happen to become nerds, and some of those nerds become bullies at work. Those big, tall males that yell at female colleagues at work.

It happens in real world.

The world allows bullies to exist and flourish.More specifically work place at times does not stop them. At one point, I used to work for a company that as usual had a very handful of women in its technology sector. The meetings were like a football game. It was a show off of a kind of who can prove himself more and do the touch down by yelling harder. A colleague of mine when leaving, she told me: "Don't let this football club boys get into your head."

I did not but you know what ? It was hard. It was unbearable at times. At lunch times, I used to walk for half an hour to talk and vent out and then hurriedly gubble something behind computer. I found that talking and vetting so important to my survival at that place that food had become secondary.

I digress. Let the real story begin.

Mama's Day

It is a beautiful day

Mamas are being cherished

Flowers, breakfast in bed, spa appointments, hand written notes

Little kids, kind dads.. they all find a way to express their love to that mama in their lives

On this beautiful day

Let's take a moment and think about mamas whose kids can not be with them

Distance, work, profession, forgetfulness

All the realities of this life

Let's see if we can bring a smile to the face of one of these woman

Specially if they are older If they are in assisted living If they are in nursing home being consoled by people who don't even speak their language

But have a heart of gold to be in the profession of caring for people 

Her hands are trembling as she reaches to get that cupcake from Ava

She can not balance between getting that cupcake and using the walker she's using to walk

I am confused how to help without hurting her feelings

She keeps repeating: Khoda ro jaa nandazadet

I dont know what it means but am sure she has good wishes for us

She calls the male nurse: Albert khan

Checking his name tag, his name is not Albert

Happily laughs to my face: Her son's name is Albert.. They did not come to see her today so I told her to call me Albert today

Something strikes me deep and hard

I am thankful to God, to universe for giving me the opportunity of having these munchkins

I try to be there when they need me

 My joy is sharing their lives with me

What happens if all this vanish when I am sick and week and unable to walk?

When the lure of having a second cupcake from a strange visitor brightens my eyes so vividly?

For my grandma who is unable to walk, I know this will not be the case

She lives in a land where we had to leave it for greener pastures

But still love rules strong and shining

And somehow with a bad economy and high unemployment, people live and you can hear their laughters

But I live in a land for now that money earning can dicatate how to live my life every day

And that on its own is a very different equation to digest

Every day..Every single day..

Let's not miss opportunities to bring smiles..

On a day we are smiling...