12773 Caswell Ave., #104, Los Angeles, CA | Powered by Postlets

12773 Caswell Ave., #104, Los Angeles, CA | Powered by Postlets

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Pootin e Sarbazi Maghz ro Aab Mikone va Mooha ro Kachal...

Yadam miad hamisheh az checkmeh hai e arteshi badam mioomad. Be nazarm hamisheh kheili bad rikht boodan. Meshki va bad gheiafeh. Fekr mikardam ke paha che beicharee ee hastan ke bayad oon too bemoonan va bepoosan. Enghad ke band e kafsh lazem dasht va saghesh boland bood! Oon joorab e araghoo ke az toosh darmioomad.. pif pif...

Yeki az familamoon ke sarbaz bood yadame ke chand bar oomad shab pish e ma bemoone. Yadame oon mogh be baradarm ke az man koochiktar bood va hamdast e kharabkari ham goftam ke ein pesar e az bas ein chekmeh ha ro pooshideh, maghzesh aab shodeh va moohash kachal shodeh. Oon ham harf e man ro bavar kard va gharar shod oon pesar e sarbaz e bad bakht ro nejabt bedim. Baray e ein kar ham sangai e tazeeni too kooze gol e nakhl e khoone ro var dashtim va checkmeh ro barash por kardim....

Vaghti oon beichareh mikhast bere padegan, yadam e ma khaab boodim vali dafe baadesh ke oomad khoone ma digeh chakmeh hash ro napooshid. Lebas e sarbazi tanesh bood vali kafshash mamooli bood...

Ye modat baad ke moohash ham daroomad, man be baradarm goftam ke ma nejatesh dadim az kachali.

Hala ke ein pootinhai e bad rikht e sarbaza ro didam ke too ein tazahorat ha jeloo mardom e ma vaimisan, yad e ein dastan oftdam... kashki mifahmidan ke pootin e sarbazi maghz ro aab mikone ve mooha ro kachal....

Where Are You?

I am addressing all the human right activists, humanitarians, freedom fighters, politicians, decision makers, all people that say they support movements for freedom in the world, that they care about human rights, and democracy for all.

Where are you now?

Haven't you been watching the news on CNN? Iran has been headline of news for the past couple of days. It feels it has been going on forever. But still you are silent.

Don't you believe it? That's all I can think of it as with the advent of these new phones, I doubt that important people like you have not heard of this big news yet.

Mr. Chris De Burgh ... you traveled to Iran and mentioned how you liked Iranian people. Don't you think it is appropriate to voice your concerns over violence in Iran? Mr. Sean Penn, perhaps you can educate your fellow Hollywood stars about Iran and what is going on right now. If you raise your voice against violence in Iran, it will attract the attention of non -Iranians. It will make more and more people aware of torture in Iran and perhaps the international crowd can help.


As you all may remember, Iranians held a candle light vigil in Tehran in memory of all people who lost their lives in the tragic event of September 11th. Don't you think it is time to reciprocate the favor?

If in your heart, you consider yourself an advocate for human rights, we need your help. Right now. All we ask for now is to raise your voice in our support. To notify people around you. People in Iran need to see this action. To see that world supports them. It is at times of hardship and despair that support matters most.



Thanks for reading this piece.

To Neda's Killer

Each of us have a life to live. There is no one but us that decides how to live that life. At points there are critical actions that can alter one's life forever. Actions that can haunt a person for a man's life...actions that can make them live the hell in life. Does anyone want to be a criminal? Even the thought of it is frightening but...

I know at least one person who has decided to be a criminal. To kill an innocent young woman by choice. The moment you raised that gun, the moment you pulled that trigger, did you ever ponder for a second that you are killing an innocent person? Did you think that you are becoming GHATEL? Did you think that everyone will be afraid of you as if you are infected by plague? Did you know that you have to carry the burdeon of that scene for ever in front of your eyes? Sleep will no longer be the solution to your pain. Her face, her neck bleeding, her body in her father's arms will be your nightmare for the rest of your life.

They thaught us at school some principles. I guess you know them too. Do not steal. Do not take what is not yours. How did you dare to take Neda's life? Were you the one who gave her life? Weren't you afraid of God or whoever you beleive that created her life, your life, my life?

I know that street"Khosravi" very very well. I grew up there and I've passed by that place many times in my life, enough to know that you; such a coward , could not have shot her from inside the crowd. You would have been shred into pieces in no time by people who are way braver than you are. Were you standing on the roof? Were you thinking you are safe? This is what was going through your head: " No one can see me. I just kill them from here and I can escape easily".

Escape to where? to who? Do you think there is ever an escape for you or the ones like you? Think about all the eyes that turned towards the direction of bullet. You were fleeing and saving your timid life. Running with all your power. But , those eyes will chase you. All of them every single minute and there is no refuge.... EVER.

You know how we have Nefrin - curse(making ill wishes for some one else) in Farsi? You are cursed by her mom. Her sobbing mother. Her faher carrying her lifeless body. All people who saw this, who got to know about this all over the world. Can your tiny brain understand this? I repeart: ALL OVER THE WORLD!!!!

Rest in Hell while she rests in peace in Heaven. If you are a person who can be in his shoes and read this, make your choice. Reconsider before raising that club, before shooting that bullet, before being violent, do not create a hell for yourself, the kind of Hell that even doom's day can not bring an end to it.

Burning in fire of regret evry day and sleeping through nightmare of chasing eyes....

Roohash Shad.

Bye Bye Cockroach!

I am having one of those moments. I am not hurt, wounded, stabbed or for that matter nothing bad has happened to me but I feel pain. It is a sharp pain. It starts somewhere in the middle of my body and it radiates to my head. I guess it is my heart since it is an emotional pain I feel. Nothing physical.

Today, corporate America announced that they are laying off 50,000 people. As this gloomy day progressed, this number got even bigger. By the end of the day it hit 68,000 jobs being cut. That could easily be translated to 200,000 people, considering an average family of 3 members.

And I close my eyes, trying to see those families got impacted....

A couple who is expecting their first baby and so much need that valuable insurance plan to ensure mom gets proper care during her pregnancy and later for delivery....

The family with three little daughters where Mummy is a homemaker and Daddy is the main bread earner...

That sixty year old engineer who has served his company for thirty years and was just about ready to retire...

My list goes on and on. It makes my head spin.

It is sad. Trust me. Been there. Done that.

When I got laid off, it left a sour taste in my mouth forever. Plus I learned one big lesson:" The word: loyalty does not exist in Corporate America's Dictionary".

It took me a long while to digest my layoff. Not even sure if I ever did despite all my counseling and therapy sessions.

After apprehending the news which took 72 hours in my case back then, my first thought was: Where do I start again?

And that simple question...is so complicated. It is like having the history of my professional experience marching live in front of me. And I need to remember the moments, the details, the achievements, and find ways to market myself.

Market myself? Oh yeah... That is huge stuff... Job search needs a marketing plan and a sales pitch and a good sales man who knows how to network and reach out...

And if you are not a sales man, no worries. In the job search, you will turn into one.

You go on so much interviews and so many times you have to repeat the same phrases to recruiters that you become well-versed in your sales pitch. Beyond professionalism. I remember I could even see behind the phone when someones eyes glaze over while I was talking. It made me cut the crap and get to the point faster.

Although losing my job was hard, tough, emotionally as well as financially, I can't deny the big positive impact it had on me. It made me think about myself. What I've been doing?...Where do I stand?...Is this what I wanted? How far am I from where I want to be?

And that was fabulous.

To stop. To take a break from the life of a mechanical cockroach that I was. To observe this mechanical cockroach and wonder why it was programmed the way it was. Was it me or was it corporate America that made a cockroach out of me? Did the cockroach feel any joy or even sadness or may be disappointment?

At the beginning of job search, I remembered all the disappointments. All the negative stuff at my work that made me swear I'd never go back to the office again. And sure enough I did....at least for some , rather long time.

Now, that I had a chance for a fresh start over, I started thinking of what I needed to have in my new job to add some element of joy to the cockroach manner of life. Even put together a list, not very extensive but knew what I wanted exactly.

As the job search went on and I met more and more decision makers and I learned how bumpy this road can be, then the old workplace started looking shiny.

And I should say that every sunrise in my life, made that old office seem brighter and brighter. Especially when I started to realise it is not about what you know or your capabilities. It is about who you know and how you present that little mechanical cockroach: stylish, obedient, or a rebel, or may be a forward thinker?

I decided to let the cockroach be a passionate one. Get out of the shell of a mechanical one and may be not even be a cockroach anymore. Let it show some passion, pour enthusiasm and go for what really excites her. Unfortunately the outcome was not that promising. A stable cockroach with the dominant characteristics of a reliable, ever obedient servant is much better suited in the world of Corporate America.

The result was natural, I shifted gears and decided to hide the bright feathers I had put on this cockroach. Let it be the same rusty, brownish looking creature with hypnotized eyes.

The miracle worked and I got job offers.

It is all about marketing, about mesmerizing a decision maker enough with the fact that you are the mechanical cockroach in metamorphosis. And that they need you.

My heart goes to anyone who got laid off and their families. Best of luck in job search. If I can be of any help through my LinkedIn network or in any other way, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Law-Enforcement Agents in Recession Time

The heart of rabbit is pounding hard as she cruises along the bushes to get home. With every single step, she knows that any moment she can be trapped. This forest is full of wolves. Hungry, angry, devastated wolves waiting for her tender flesh. Wolves already salivating at the thought of jumping at her and seeing the extreme of fright in her eyes. But despite all this, all this fear and paralyzing ansgt, she has to go on. Simply because life goes on...and she has to live right here in forest.

The story is a simple metaphor for police cars cruising the streets of Los Angeles nowadays. I am not sure if it is the state deficit or the global recession that has put the pressure on them. Turning them into non-human predators scanning every single movement of cars to find a reason to turn on their blinding roof lights and chase the poor captive.

And they are never short of excuses, reasons to stop you and give you a ticket. Whatever you say, however you try is like talking to a wall. Sometimes I feel talking to a wall makes more sense as you do not expect the least of intelligence that you would be anticipating from these so-called human police force.

Yesterday, it was a gorgeous day with the sun shining in a clear sky after a rainy night. A beautiful day to spend at Farmer's market with a friend to chit chat and buy some fresh veggies. As I strap the seat belt of my little baby girl, I feel excited for the fresh weather and the fine morning. Saturday was kind of a gloomy day with some rain. Although I love rain but nowadays that I work full time and have 48 hours of fun limit with my baby, I do hope for a better weather on weekend.

Anyhow, as I started, I figured it would be a nice idea to double check where we meet with my friend. So, with my lovely headset on, I make a quick phone call and we confirm where to meet around 11 AM. I hang up and a few minutes later I arrive behind the red light. I think to myself let's check the time and I look at my cell phone which shows 11:58... Surpisedly I take a look at my car clock which shows a 10:55. I am wondering in my head what is going on, when I notice the light has turned green and I need to go. I move on and just a second later I notice a police car beside me that suddenly shifts lanes and places itself right behind me. Next thing I know are the bright lights sending threatening signals my way.

I stop and a bulky white guy created just to ruin my day and perhaps the day of a few hundred other people in his life time comes to my window.

Officer: Insurance and driver license, M'me.

I pull my stuff together asking:
I: Why have you stopped me?

Officer: You were talking on the phone.
I: I was not...

His words are so shocking that I forget that I am wearing my beautiful headset and it is none of his business even if I was talking on my cell phone!

He gets my stuff and disappears... My little girl starts crying. As I see no action from him but standing by the wall, I turn to his side and open the window...Then I see his partner busy scibbling...what could be a potential, aweful ticket for no reason!

I: Officer, are you writing me a ticket?
Trying my best to control my voice and making it sound normal not annoyed!
Officer: Close the window, M'me.

I: But I did not do anything wrong!!!!!!

He looks away. The person who is supposed to be enforcing the law in the city is giving me a ticket for merely looking at my phone!!!!

I: Officer, here is my phone; you can see that I was not talking.
Officer: You were looking at it, impeding the traffic...

I am like big deal! Since when looking at your phone is a crime? Plus haven't you experienced a dozen times people who are distracted at the turn of the light and you need to honk your horn not to miss the light? Another plus: there was no traffic...it was a Sunday and street was clear by all means...

Partner officer who I guess might be in training comes forward with the ticket. My baby is crying so frantically and I am so frustrated by this unfairness that my heart is pounding... it's a rabbit trapped by the wolves...

I shake my Smart Phone in his face.
I: Officer, this is a smart phone( stressing the word smart by all means!), it has a log of all my calls, texts, activities, etc. You can see I was not using my phone; I was just looking at it as I was wondering about the correct time...

He simply ignores me and my request for him to look at my phone. Perhaps he thinks that my phone might bite him? Or may be he is afraid that he can not make his quota of the day for giving tickets and make the government richer? I don't know...All I know is that he hands me the pen to sign.

Officer: M'me I could have given you a ticket for moving violation but I did not.

I: I just moved on when it was green.

Officer: But you had a delay...

My baby screams. I sign the freaking ticket.

I get out of my car to unbuckle my baby and hold her and calm her down. She has had a good doze of fear on our day off. I look straight at the two so-called officers as they pull away. The one who gave me the ticket diverts his gaze, trying to avoid my offended, piercing look.

They leave and I am left with the thought of how unfair they were. To add salt to my wound as I resume driving to farmer's market, there is a jeep in front of me with the driver holding his bulky phone to his ear, talking. He talks and talks as we pass through 3-4-5 lights and no body stops him.


Now, I know why he and so many law breakers get away with it because the law-enforcement is after giving tickets for nonsense reasons to elevate the government financial gap not really enforcing the law...

I left home without...

even seeing my daughter wake up today....
It was dark
the room was dark
and I could only see her precious butt pointing upwards...
in the amazingly funny position that she sleeps...
And it's me hovering over the bed...
thinking I need to leave
And I'll be away for straight 8-9 hours before
I can see her again...
touch her soft skin...
Emrge in her big, brownish eyes...
And let my heart go light as she smiles and giggles
Showing off the gap between her front teeth...

It's hard being a mom

But then thinking about the paycheck
It releives me that it's there
for us...
for her...

And today is a Friday...
Happy Friday....

After a long long time

I am writing here after an awefully long time...actually I miss you Khepeleh Jaan! The reason was simple...
It was corportae america lack of respect for human being..
Plus the fact that we live in an everchanging world of unceratinities
And if you are wondering what I mean by this bold statement read on
I was LAID OFF while on maternity leave...
Scary... ha?
Yeah...when Ava Goli was only a weak old and I could hardly walk after that killer C-section, I got calls from a recruiter at K-Force..
I told her that I am on maternity leave and by law I can not seek another employment opportunity
God... I am naive..so naive
Let me go back
I need to write this as a novel...
May be I will sell it and get rich to be able to spend more time with my baby and write and write...
So get ready you are about to read the first pass at
The Miserable Chronicles of a Job Hunter
It's a ride...
Get ready and stay tuned.

And now we want a baby, what happens next? Part I

My nails have gone into a shock. This is the unbelievable fact that the Doctors agreed upon. There are some weird looking lines and dents on my nails due to a trauma. And guess what. That trauma was my delivery.

I have such a dramatic, unique delivery experience that I finally decided to write about it. It would be hard to do a full spiel version of it for every single one of my friends over the phone.

I don't want to bore you with details of how I, we decided to have a baby. All I can say is that the biggest trigger was after I got sick in a Southern America country. It was then and there that I felt the power of having someone/people to care for as a family. The other thing that I experienced painfully was the ugliness of selfishness and being egocentric.

Anyhow, after my flight landed in LA in September 2006, the next big call I made after calling my hubby to pick me up from the airport was to call my OB.

Now, this one was a new OB for me due to the fact that my former OB would not accept any type of insurance anymore! And that would be kind of , sort of expensive especially if planning for a pregnancy.

So, one fine day @ 8: 00 AM I show up in her office in which the daylight pours in and I tell her we have decided to have a baby but not so fast, but in a way that the baby is born before I turn 35 and now I am 34. And being the lovely, logical, American Doctor that she is, she understands that what I need is to start right away trying. Of course, I haven't understood yet that the moment that you decide to have a baby, it does not happen next day or next month. The reason I say this is because many of my friends who will read this think like me. We always think that it is a matter of our decision. And especially for us, immigrant ones that never everything seems to be fitting perfectly to have a baby, we have an extra bunch of reasons/ excuses to deal with. So, summary: Friends, Foes, Folks...getting pregnant might take time, so plan accordingly!

And the I want to get pregnant journey begins. And by a journey I mean it. You really have to prepare for it. When the ovulation happens, when you should have an intercourse, when you should test. God, that 's a hell of lot planning at least for me.

The ovulation test sticks were the funniest part. You pay 20 bucks for a 2 of these test thingees and you pee on them and boom they are gone! So, I decided to try the 7 day one and sometimes that sounded such a waste. One pal re commanded buying it from 99 cent stores. I never went for it since I had realized I don't want to waste any time! So, the first time was kind of fun, we were still experimenting. But then when I realised that we have to schedule our busy lives around GOD knows when to have sex, there came the funny part.

That having planned sex in the middle of the week nights...now, if you are married for a couple of years and you come home tired, forcing yourself to have sex is not exactly like watching Lakers game. Any fun thing when you need to plan for it and do it this way and that way , the fun flies right out of the window.

And even the best part is when one is travelling and you don't want to miss that precious moment that happens once in month. After all, a year has no more than 12 months and so you have no more chances than that ! 1 out of 12 that is pretty a big chunk!

So, we slowly planned our lives around it. Once even my hubby had to drive 200 miles overnight to save the precious moments when the eggs inside me were boiling hot to meet cool, sexy sperms in him. And guess what, the result was that single line in pregnancy kit which means none !

So, after like three/four months I was like : This is tough! A game that you have to play carefully but you have no idea for how long?! Any game like that gets boring even if it's playing a slot machine in Vegas when you have endless number of coins and each time you play , you know you have a chance of winning that big, juicy, red BMW convertible spinning around !

Anyhow, one fine day in January when experimenting with different brands of these pregnancy kits just for keep it fun sake, I came up with two sticks instead of one! And since I was born a always double check it before announce it type of a person, next thing I did was running all the way to Savon to indulge and buy one of those more expensive but dummy proof ones that shows the words pregnant/not pregnant!

So, I have the test , I came back home and with my crime partner we test and guess what it shows the precious words : pregnant! And after the first jumps up and down, I am like what if this is not working right, I have to check with my OB.

And here we have brave me in OB's office telling them what I had seen in test sticks. I have test sticks neatly wrapped in tissues in my bag just in case. After all in such cases you need OB/nurse to still believe that you are not hallucinating.

And the big news is confirmed! I am a prego! And then I am like OK, how am I supposed to feel? I am not talking about morning sickness or anything of that physical nature, I am thinking feeling wise. It's like they say there's a baby somewhere inside me, but where, what, what am I supposed to be feeling? Is that all right to be wondering like that?

And technology, God bless it has an answer to all these confusions in my head struggling with my happy part of the brain. Doctor sends me to sonography and it was there and then that I felt in love with... no there was no baby there...with a point. There was a point the size of a walnut may be and Susan kindly told me that it's my baby. The point was not even moving which but I could feel it was live. There was another life in me ! It was superb, yet strange! Hey I am not that kind of a person that feels all the time : oh, sweet, great, cute. Sorry to disappoint you but hey that's who I am so bear with my logical, wanting to make sense out of everything nature as you read along. I can promise you if you are in the same boat, you will have a fun ride. And if you are not, hey just read on, what have you got to lose? Just adding another 5-10 minutes to that bunch of God, I wasted my time.

So, here I am out the door with a Black and White print of my so called tummy with a black point in it called our baby. I could not walk. There were too much stuff going in my head. I rush to the restroom, unzip my pants and let my belly out. I stare at it and ask: baby are you there? There is no movement inside me but there is a new vibe in my heart. It pounds faster as I am handling my new emotions. And then I discovered a big fact. All these years that I talked about abortion so easily, what a bull shit, none sense speaker I was. Don't get me wrong. I was/am/will be 100% pro abortion right, but now I understand that it is a huge, huge decision to make, that indeed from even the very early on, there is life growing inside the woman. I just hope that no woman ever faces that situation and I hope if they do, they don't get a chance to do a sonography. To me , that can make it a lot harder.

So, we celebrate the Life inside me! The Life that is growing because of us! Some sort of pleasure neither of us could experience without the other, without our love.

And as the initial excitement settles in me, my brain switches to baby delivery mood. And my quest starts for facts, figures, methods, right and wrongs.

And now I am tired, I'll tell you the rest in my next episode! :)